Family Business Blog
What Teaching Astrophysics and Managing Family Conflict Have in Common
I know next to nothing about astrophysics. I studied physics in my final year at school and only bothered to sit the exam because it was in multiple-choice format. I thought that at least gave me a chance! It didn’t. I failed the subject.
If I asked Dr Tamara Davis (one of the most cited astrophysicists in the world) to explain the peculiar planetary system architecture around three Orion stars, she would have quite a challenge.
Where would she start? If she started to explain as if speaking to a colleague, would I learn much? If she began at the level of understanding of a recently qualified science graduate would that help? I doubt it. She would need to start at a very basic level. In fact, it would probably be difficult for her to get down to that level of simplicity, but unless she does, I won't understand the concepts.
What does this have to do with family conflict?
If I’m in a conflict with you, what is my normal starting position? Generally, I start to argue from my perspective. After all I’m convinced of the correctness of my position and my objective is to get you to agree with me. Why can’t you see the logic of my argument?
So, when I can’t convince you what is the usual approach? I’ll try to find different ways of explaining my position, present my points with more conviction and when I get frustrated with your lack of understanding I’ll express it with even more vigour. If I listen to your arguments at all, it is only with a view to finding flaws in it. That should work, shouldn’t it?
Why is it that it rarely does?
It doesn’t work for the same reasons that Dr Davis would get nowhere teaching me the concept referred to above if she pitched it at the level her colleagues would understand.
In a dispute we start at two different, often diametrically opposed, positions. Each of us is committed to our point of view. We believe that if we argue our position longer, harder, louder the other party will see the light.
Stephen Covey of ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ fame suggests that we should seek first to understand, then to be understood.
I believe that this is the starting point for dealing with conflict. If I want to convince you, I have to start where you are at, not from my position. Why do you think the way you do? What led you to that position? What things do you see or believe to be true, that I don’t? What makes sense in your frame of reference? I need to understand your perspective so well that I could argue your position.
When I can, it gives me the opportunity to look at flaws in your argument, from your perspective, not mine. I can present arguments that make sense to you and slowly lead you from your current position to my point of view. This needs to be done step by step in small increments so that I bring you along at your pace.
In the course of doing that I might find that my position also changes and therein lies the opportunity for a win-win solution.
To be updated on the latest developments!