Family Business Blog
Sep 18, 2013
Father - Son Relationships Building Respect
Fathers and sons often have a fraught relationship. In something akin to the 'old bull' versus the 'young bull', they seem to be in a never ending battle. Interestingly, the issues don't seem to arise to the same extent with father-daughter or mother-son relationships.
Though the issue often simmers in the background, from time to time it flares and we are faced by the issue we were asked to address for the Business Spectator's Family Business Magazine (Sept 2013) of a son who feels that his father is belittling him in front of other employees in the work-place.
It brings to mind a family we worked with a number of years ago where this issue evolved to the extent that we couldn't understand how the family could possibly be running a successful business in that environment. To settle the issue, we worked with the family and looked at the following issues -
1 Different behavioural styles. Using the language of DISC we identified that different communication styles led to misinterpretations which resulted in differing perspectives blowing up into major issues. Their choice was to either use this is an excuse for on-going conflict, or an opportunity to leverage the differences to create a more powerful team.
2 Different life stages. A lot of work has been done on the psychology of father-son relationships. Two stages in particular, that often line up with generational timing, are -
Age 35 - 45 has been called the 'Deadline Decade'. It's a fairly turbulent life stage when the realisation hits that not all dreams will come true and that the options available are starting to narrow. Men this age are often looking for recognition and independence and can have stormy relationships with their mentors.Those in the 60 - 65 age group are referred to as the 'Repeat Deadliners'. Friends begin to die and retirement looms (the common view is retirement = death). So this is their last chance to make it, and they feel compelled to demonstrate dominance over others.If you look at the age differences, they often align quite closely with the gap between the two generations. So what we are seeing is two people acting perfectly normally for their stage in life. It's an extension of the terrible two's or teenage tantrums, (there's something not quite right if teenagers don't rebel). The good news, is that we all grow out out of these stages - so there is hope.(You can download a table that has more detail and looks at the dynamics in other age groups by clicking here.)
3 If it's going to be, it's up to me - when we have an issue with another person there is a tendency to adopt the approach that everything will be resolved 'if the the other party could just see it my way'. After all my approach is logical (at least to me), if they could just see that, the problem is fixed! As a result there is a tendency for us to 'push' our perspective or point of view rather than going to the trouble of understanding their perspective.
We were recently asked by Business Spectator publishers of the Family Business Magazine to respond to a question from one of their readers who was frustrated by what he felt was his fathers belittling attitude in front of other staff. Here is our response...
If you are expecting your father to change his attitude; you might be waiting a long time. So the question is what can you do that builds your credibility in his eyes? Stephen R Covey, son of the guru of the same name (and you think that you’ve had problems establishing your credibility), wrote a great book titled The Speed of Trust, in which he identifies the core elements of credibility as being broken into –
1. Character traits
1. Integrity – walking the talk 2. Intent – our motives2. and Competency traits
1. Capabilities – our talents, skills, attitudes and knowledge 2. Results – our track recordFor a more comprehensive overview of Covey's book you can click here to download a mindmapped review of the Speed of Trust.
A good starting point might be for you to do a quick audit on yourself. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate in each of these areas? Where are your weaknesses? What actions can you take to improve?
After doing some work you might find that you can include your father in the process. It should lead to a constructive discussion.
If you have trouble getting started, you may find a coach or mentor would be helpful.
Whether it's inter-generational conflict, or if you are just looking to improve your relationships with others, here's a quick audit that you can undertake to get you started - Download audit here.
Though the issue often simmers in the background, from time to time it flares and we are faced by the issue we were asked to address for the Business Spectator's Family Business Magazine (Sept 2013) of a son who feels that his father is belittling him in front of other employees in the work-place.
It brings to mind a family we worked with a number of years ago where this issue evolved to the extent that we couldn't understand how the family could possibly be running a successful business in that environment. To settle the issue, we worked with the family and looked at the following issues -
1 Different behavioural styles. Using the language of DISC we identified that different communication styles led to misinterpretations which resulted in differing perspectives blowing up into major issues. Their choice was to either use this is an excuse for on-going conflict, or an opportunity to leverage the differences to create a more powerful team.
2 Different life stages. A lot of work has been done on the psychology of father-son relationships. Two stages in particular, that often line up with generational timing, are -
Age 35 - 45 has been called the 'Deadline Decade'. It's a fairly turbulent life stage when the realisation hits that not all dreams will come true and that the options available are starting to narrow. Men this age are often looking for recognition and independence and can have stormy relationships with their mentors.Those in the 60 - 65 age group are referred to as the 'Repeat Deadliners'. Friends begin to die and retirement looms (the common view is retirement = death). So this is their last chance to make it, and they feel compelled to demonstrate dominance over others.If you look at the age differences, they often align quite closely with the gap between the two generations. So what we are seeing is two people acting perfectly normally for their stage in life. It's an extension of the terrible two's or teenage tantrums, (there's something not quite right if teenagers don't rebel). The good news, is that we all grow out out of these stages - so there is hope.(You can download a table that has more detail and looks at the dynamics in other age groups by clicking here.)
3 If it's going to be, it's up to me - when we have an issue with another person there is a tendency to adopt the approach that everything will be resolved 'if the the other party could just see it my way'. After all my approach is logical (at least to me), if they could just see that, the problem is fixed! As a result there is a tendency for us to 'push' our perspective or point of view rather than going to the trouble of understanding their perspective.
We were recently asked by Business Spectator publishers of the Family Business Magazine to respond to a question from one of their readers who was frustrated by what he felt was his fathers belittling attitude in front of other staff. Here is our response...
If you are expecting your father to change his attitude; you might be waiting a long time. So the question is what can you do that builds your credibility in his eyes? Stephen R Covey, son of the guru of the same name (and you think that you’ve had problems establishing your credibility), wrote a great book titled The Speed of Trust, in which he identifies the core elements of credibility as being broken into –
1. Character traits
1. Integrity – walking the talk 2. Intent – our motives2. and Competency traits
1. Capabilities – our talents, skills, attitudes and knowledge 2. Results – our track recordFor a more comprehensive overview of Covey's book you can click here to download a mindmapped review of the Speed of Trust.
A good starting point might be for you to do a quick audit on yourself. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate in each of these areas? Where are your weaknesses? What actions can you take to improve?
After doing some work you might find that you can include your father in the process. It should lead to a constructive discussion.
If you have trouble getting started, you may find a coach or mentor would be helpful.
Whether it's inter-generational conflict, or if you are just looking to improve your relationships with others, here's a quick audit that you can undertake to get you started - Download audit here.
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